THE LONELINESS OF OLD AGE
Janusz Korczak –
Antena, Vol. V, No. 17, April 24, 1938, p. 9
Summer. A park (neglected). A river. A nearby, young pine forest, and another forest far off, where it is "haunted"... (Yes). Someone there loved someone, someone hated someone—killed someone—and it is precisely there that this very old linden tree stands, which one absolutely must see. 300 years old, 500—and the youngest calculated that it is 2,000 years old. "We will guide you, sir!"
Ha,—if they must show it, and I must see it—because it is 2,000 years old—and it is haunted—and it is not really all that far away—and I will not regret it (I sincerely want to oblige!)—so be it. We go. Hot (summer, noon). — "Oh look, sir, over there, it's close now—very soon—there, it's coming into view. — Truly, we didn't tire you at all, did we?"
At last, it is here. And so is the linden.
I admire it (one must, after all). — "Shady—spreading...". Yes. — "And beautiful?" Beautiful. — "And so ancient." — Uh-huh — "Imposing." Indeed! — "Venerable and august." — Well...
Now they hold hands (the mandatory ritual)—they encircle the tree—ooo!
I sat down. And they run around, laughing, chirping, calling out, searching, rummaging. "Alright, children, time to head back, or we'll be late and get a scolding!" We return...
But the second time, slowly, in the evening, visiting all by myself, staying longer with the august, venerable one—now entirely alone. — Are you there? Do you want to chat? I have come. I observe.
The trunk. There are scars on the bark—numerous—the experiences of its centuries and adventures. Marks. (Hieroglyphs of the past). Healed. Folds. Wrinkles, knots, and growths. Someone once broke it, chopped a piece away.
I look up. A mass of green. Shady. But high up (I see)—one grand, dry bough hangs listlessly—black—its branches dead. (The young ones did not notice the gap in the tree's crown).
And below, where it thrusts out with its roots—what is that? Covered with earth and overgrown with grass? I begin to dig with my cane—I prod (like a dentist in a decaying tooth). A hole—leverage downward—a hollow—the smell of dampness. Ah, yes...
Fewer leaves too, and smaller—and their greenness looks as if under frost. (That much I can see with the naked eye). What is it like, and how is it—under the ground? How do the juices flow through calcified vessels? Do the bones ache before the rain? What is your cough like?
Does it bloom? But the bee will know that the sweetness of its blossoms—something strange?—is exhausted.
Amidst the cocky green of the trees, the newly living saplings, the shrubs—the upstarts, the green small fry—it stands—it alone—pensive and lonely.
I will not say what we gossiped about there—but when I depart—(one must always say goodbye)—I depart reluctantly. I placed my hand upon its shoulder, bowed my head. — "True, isn't it, this old, important single generation—(its pranks and mischief)? Farewell! Hold on, sister!"
When does old age begin, and its loneliness? The first gray hair, the first pulled tooth that will not grow back, the first or twelfth grave of a master, a contemporary of shared work, foolishness, and hopes? Is it a daughter (a son) growing up, or only a grandchild? How was it?
The first encounter with old age? Does it approach, slowly spinning its web around you—or does it lie in ambush and suddenly, heavily collapse upon your shoulders? And you? Do you defend yourself, or do you yield?
Is it already a lack of strength (and yet there are still numerous duties), or are you becoming less necessary and less desired, pushed aside, tolerated, abandoned, rejected? Are you in the way?
Is it a grievance: my fault, their fault? Or is it nobody's fault? (Mistakes, errors. Such is the order of things). Are you failing to keep pace? You wander among new people and events.
One must have sharp sight, hearing, smell, and resilient muscles. And you? An invalid.
Loneliness amidst those who are close (yet distant) and even well-meaning (but occupied with their own young affairs); or loneliness among the indifferent, the hostile? (A troublesome resident). And they are strong by tomorrow, rich, self-assured. (Ugly and uninviting is old age when offended).
The loneliness of impotence—of disappointment—of escape—of resentment—of loss—of defeat?
Loneliness can take various forms: it can be deaf and empty, or it can accompany us in a crowd.
A dismal loneliness of unextinguished ambitions, of horizontal desire, selfish—the stuffiness of emptiness, boredom, and surfeit. Nothing happens anymore, and nothing moves you—you do not search for solutions, you do not ask questions—you wait for an alms of emotions, thoughts, or will to be thrown to you from the outside. A cold, dry loneliness—vain, jealous, vengeful—puffed up, fierce—intrusive, despotic. It bites, it gnaws, it decomposes...
Who are you? A pilgrim, a wanderer, a castaway, a deserter, a bankrupt, an outcast, an outlaw? Or perhaps you never found, never knew youth? Whom, how much, what, and whom did you love, and do love now?
You asked yourself: where is she, the chosen one (where is he), what is she doing now, does she think, remember me, will she write to me, or will she soon forget?
Do not destroy letters! They take up so little space. A faded photograph, a crumbled flower, a pink ribbon, a dried leaf. Reverie, a keepsake, a memory. Varied memories: soothing, painful—or even foul ones, which rise from the past like drowning men.
Did you live? How much did you plow through? How many loaves of bread did you bake for people? How much did you sow? Did you plant trees? How many bricks did you lay for construction before you depart? How many buttons did you sew on, patch, darn; how much better—or worse—did you wash soiled linen? To whom and how much warmth did you give? What was your service? What were the headlines, the chapters of your road?
Life? It tangled it up significantly, or did it just tangle itself somehow—it spilled over, and you don't even know how. You didn't notice it in time, or did you overlook it? It did not call out, or perhaps you failed to hear—you became frightened, you did not understand, you were not in time? Did you run at the call, or did you trudge sluggishly?
Did they (the monkeys!) trick you out of it recklessly, or did robbers plunder you, swindle you, steal it away? Did you lose it, did you squander it? Did you cheat it away, sloppily degenerate it? Did you lose your own—or did you fail those who trusted you—did you let them down? How did you invest the capital of efforts and madness to which you swore an oath? Did you want to keep your word, or while kissing, were you preparing a betrayal? How many tears did you wring out, how many did you wipe away? Long ago—far away—furthest in the past.
Live, or watch listlessly as life flows past and guide it—or did it just carry you—just like that—and nothing more? (You will not believe it). You will find such a man—even if he were to live it up—stately, richly endowed—and yet nothing. A little pastry, a little caviar, social graces. He consumed it—and just like that—and nothing more.
Did you give away, distribute, donate your life? How much did you defend? What did you fight for?
The loneliness of old age—a diary—and a confession—and a balance sheet—and a testament. The anxiety to hand down—what and to whom? A banner? Will a student carry it into life—an only child?
It matters not whether under brightly lit neons or by a kerosene lamp. Whom did he support when they faltered, whom did he teach, to whom did he point out the way? Not speculating for show and gratitude, not demanding payment?
True, isn't it, old Linden in the forest, where it is haunted (because perhaps they did not know how to love there?). True, that good will has more to cast down—quiet, modest, timid—it does not suspect its own power?
True, old linden, that a single generation is not all that important—and that there are no children, youth, or elders, nor is there loneliness—there are only different, differently lonely people, the breathless, animals, plants, and stones?
And strong, this old linden is—like its silence, when thus eye to eye with all of life—with the past and the future—alone, face to face with God. — The Old Doctor
With this, we conclude the third radio talk by "The Old Doctor" on the subject of loneliness. When will we hear him before the microphone again? -Ed.